Meeting God in the Darkness

Readings for today: Job 18-21

There is nothing worse than feeling like God Himself is against you. I remember experiencing the darkness of such despair in the summer/fall of 2009. I was living in Wisconsin. The church I was planting had completely collapsed. The board I was working for had turned against me. One of the members even threatened me physically. I had no friends locally. My marriage was on shaky ground. My children were wondering what was wrong. The future looked bleak at best. Everything I once held dear was taken away from me. I spent most nights pacing in my living room, wearing a path in the carpet, crying out to God. Some nights I wept. Some nights I shook my fist at Him in anger. Some nights I just sat staring into the flames of our fireplace. I was at a complete loss as to what to do or where to turn. I felt a lot like Job…

“If I cry out, ‘Violence!’ I receive no answer; I cry for help, but there is no justice. He has blocked my way so I cannot pass, and has set darkness over my paths. He has stripped me of my honor and has taken the crown off my head. He tears me down on every side until I perish; he uproots my hope like one uproots a tree. Thus his anger burns against me, and he considers me among his enemies. His troops advance together; they throw up a siege ramp against me, and they camp around my tent.” (Job‬ ‭19‬:‭7‬-‭12‬ ‭NET‬‬)

After several weeks of averaging around 3-4 hours of sleep a night, I finally broke down. I had nothing left. My strength was gone. I had run out of options. I was paralyzed by fear and anxiety over how I would provide for my family. All I could see was darkness. I remember sitting on the couch. No more tears left to cry. No more energy left to yell at God. No more words left to say. I just sat there in the darkness. In the silence. Terrified and all alone. And that’s when I heard God say, “Are you finally ready to surrender?” My only answer was “yes.” God had stripped my life down to the studs. He had crucified my ego and pride. He surrounded me and hemmed me in and increased the pressure on me until I finally broke. It was painful on so many levels and yet it was exactly what I needed. I discovered what Job discovered in the ashes and dust of his own life. God is all I need. God is more than enough. God is faithful. He will never leave me or forsake me.

I think that’s why, in the midst of his tremendous suffering, Job still clings to faith. “O that my words were written down, O that they were written on a scroll, that with an iron chisel and with lead they were engraved in a rock forever! As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that as the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God.” (Job‬ ‭19‬:‭23‬-‭26‬ ‭NET‬‬) Job lost everything, including his physical health, and still he believes. Still he trusts that he will see God. Still he knows his Redeemer lives. Do you?

Readings for tomorrow: Job 22-24

Darkness

Readings for today: Job 10-13

The darkness in the valley of the shadow is deep. It descends like a thick shroud, clouding the view. It feels impenetrable, leading to depression and despair, hopelessness and helplessness. I have walked through this valley so many times over the years. I have had seasons in my own life where I struggled to find my way back to the light. I have walked with friends and loved ones as they traveled the road. Sometimes it was mental health issues. Sometimes it was terminal disease. Sometimes it was deep grief. Sometimes it was death itself. I remember praying at the bedside of a dear friend a few years ago. He was an alcoholic. He struggled with all kinds of health complications as a result. He was an extremely successful businessman who had sacrificed his family along the way. He lived with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. As he lay there dying, I could feel the darkness closing in. For a few moments, I felt hopeless and helpless and all alone.

It seems clear to me from today’s reading that Job too has walked this road. He knows every twist and turn in the valley of the shadow of death. Listen to how he describes his experience, “It is a land of blackness like the deepest darkness, gloomy and chaotic, where even the light is like the darkness.” (Job‬ ‭10‬:‭22‬ ‭CSB‬) That sounds about right. It certainly squares with my experience. A land of blackness. A land of deepest darkness. A land that is gloomy and chaotic. A land where even the light cannot escape. It’s like a black hole emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But even here we can turn to God. Even here we can hold onto faith. Listen to Job again, “Be quiet, and I will speak. Let whatever comes happen to me. I will put myself at risk and take my life in my own hands. Even if he kills me, I will hope in him. I will still defend my ways before him. Yes, this will result in my deliverance, for no godless person can appear before him.” (Job‬ ‭13‬:‭13‬-‭16‬ ‭CSB‬‬) Everything has been stripped away from Job. His life has been taken down to the studs. And when Job finds himself sitting in the ruins of his life, who does he find there sitting with him? God. God is all Job has left and even if he loses his life, he will still trust in Him. Still hope in Him.

Thankfully, my friend gave his life to Christ right before he died. In that moment, I felt the darkness lift though death was near. Hope and peace flooded my friend’s soul as he realized he had been forgiven. It was one of the more powerful moments in my life. I will never forget it. It serves as a great reminder when I am walking through my own valley. I need fear no evil or darkness or chaos or despair for God is with me. He is there to comfort and guide me. He is there to prepare a celebration for me even in the face of all my enemies.

Readings for tomorrow: Job 14-17

Facing the Darkness

Readings for today: Job 10-13

Father, in the darkest moments of my life, I have found You faithful. You met me in my depression. You met me in my despair. Help me to remember You are always with me despite what I may be feeling or experiencing in a given moment or season of life. 

Fear. Anger. Depression. These are familiar feelings. The fall of 2009 was a dark period in my life. My ministry lay in ruins all around me and I was utterly broken. I had resigned. As far as I knew, my career was over. I had a little severance but no idea what was next. How would I provide for my family? How would I feed my four children? My wife worked but it wasn’t near enough to cover the bills. I was desperate. Alone. Afraid. For several months, I averaged about three to four hours of sleep a night. The rest of the time I would pace up and down in my living room, crying out to God. Fighting with God. Yelling at God. Weeping before God. The experience was deeply humbling. It took me to the end of myself and beyond. I was stripped. Laid bare before the Lord. Much of what I held dear was taken from me. My life shaken to its foundations.

“Why did you bring me out from the womb? Would that I had died before any eye had seen me and were as though I had not been, carried from the womb to the grave. Are not my days few? Then cease, and leave me alone, that I may find a little cheer before I go—and I shall not return— to the land of darkness and deep shadow, the land of gloom like thick darkness, like deep shadow without any order, where light is as thick darkness." (Job 10:18-22) I resonate with these words from Job. In the darkest time of my life, Job was my counselor. I spent hours with him, pouring over his words. Job gave me permission to acknowledge the darkness. Job gave me courage to face the darkness. Job helped me understand that it is in the deepest darkness of our lives, our lowest point, that we finally come face to face with God. It’s a terrifying experience. To come before the Lord naked. With empty hands. With nothing of our own to cling to. To walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

Shall we accept good from God and not evil? Those were Job’s words to his wife when he was stricken with disease. For me, it was the words of the prophet Isaiah, “Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.” (Is. 53:10) Yes, I know these words refer primarily to Jesus but the Spirit impressed them on my heart as well. What if it’s God’s will to crush me? To put me to grief? Is my theology big enough to include the temporal suffering of the righteous? Clearly, for Zophar and the rest of Job’s friends, it is not. 

“If you prepare your heart, you will stretch out your hands toward him. If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear.” (Job 11:13-15) Zophar takes the knife from Bildad and twists it deeper. Job continues to defend himself against his well-meaning but misguided friends. He rejects their superficial understanding of God. He continues to press his case against the Almighty. Job is processing his faith out loud as it were. He has reached the point of despair and the open question that looms over this entire book is this - will God answer? Will God respond? Will God meet us in our despair? 

Job seems to believe so. “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him...” (Job 13:15) Does our faith transcend even death? Does our hope and trust in the Lord extend beyond the boundaries of this life? In our darkest moments, do we believe “even the darkness is not dark to You? The night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with You.” (Psalm 139:12) This is what I discovered. When things were at their most desperate. When life was at its most uncertain. When everything I held dear was slipping through my grasp, this one truth remained. God. And when that realization came flooding in, everything changed. Not my circumstances. Not my fortunes. Not my future. Those things were still very real and very scary and it took a long time to fully recover. No, what changed for me was the orientation of my heart. The orientation of my soul. My faith moved from my head to my heart to an even deeper place. I received from God a foundation not made with human hands that continues to sustain me to this day. 

Suffering is never without purpose. Not with God. In fact, it’s often where He does His best work.  

Readings for tomorrow: Job 14-17